Note: The name "Jockular" is courtesy of Eshva's mum.
The numbers in brackets refer to Eshva's comments on the first half of my story.

In which Jockular, equipped with giant Manhood/member/male copulatory organ evolved for the purpose of ensuring fertilisation (1) decides he's always had a thing for that nice chap over in the Sixth Cave whose name is Tandaran.

Tandaran is known to prefer the company of his own sex and is often to be seen wearing leather dyed in bright colours. Jockular leaves Ayla behind to paint the Lascaux caves and invent the tampon (2) and sneaks off to visit his friend.
He finds Tandaran making a new head-dress.
"Oh, Jondalar, you've come home at last!" says Tandaran.
"Yes, I have," replies Jockular. "I've met the most amazing woman on Doni's earth. I had to go all the way to the end of the Great Mother River to find her, and now I've brought her home."
"Oh, that's so good, Jondalar," replies Tandaran, hiding his disappointment.
"But do you know what?" says Jockular, "I've been giving her Pleasures at least twice in every hundred pages throughout a nine hundred page novel and I'm starting to get tired of it. I mean we tried a few different positions - the one where we watched the rutting mammoths was my favourite - but there are only so many ways one's throbbing member can enter her warm opening before it starts to get a little yawnable. (3) We don't even do anything slightly kinky, although we managed a good sixty-niner once."
Tandaran thinks about this for a while..
"Has she ever tied you up and made you beg for her attentions?"
"No..."
"Has she ever made you chase her?"
"Nope"
"Have you done it with someone else watching?"
"Yes, but she didn't tell me the girl was there until afterwards."
"Well, there are a few suggestions," said Tandaran. "I'm going to wash in the stream down the bottom of the hill. Do you want to come?"
"Sure, why not?" says Jockular.

Our heroes make their way down through the trees until they reach the stream. Here, Tandaran discards his clothes and hops into the icy stream. He swims up and down quickly to warm up. Every now and then he rolls over, coasting along on his back, watching Jockular. Jockular drops his clothes and hops in too. Brrrrr!! It's cold! Ayla might be able to stand this water, but not him. He leaps out again.
Tandaran is watching. He notices that Jockular's famous manhood is still larger than the average. And that's on top of severe shrinkage. Wow! He's grateful he's immersed in cold water. Tandaran gets out. Jockular picks up the buckskins they brought to dry themselves with, but his fingers are shaking and he drops the towel.
"Here," says Tandaran, "let me do that." He picks up the towel and dries Jockular's back. Mmm.. nice muscles... He barely resists the urge to grab a handful of Jockular's rather yummy bottom.
"I'm freezing!" says Jockular, "and we only brought one towel. I guess we'll have to share it." He turns to face Tandaran and wraps the towel more tightly around them both.
Tandaran tries to hide his pleasure. "Jondalar, I thought you were Promised to Ayla.." he objects weakly.
"You know, Tandaran, I wonder if I really want to Join with her. I need a change."
Tandaran looks into Jockular's blue eyes. He's heard they turn violet in the fire light. He runs a hand down Jockular's side. And then moves it lower.
The famous Jockulean Manhood is under his palm.
"I've never Pleasured a man before, Tandaran," says Jockular, and uncertainty enters his eyes.
Tandaran stretches up to kiss Jockular. When he breaks off he notices a fire beginning to burn in those eyes..
"It's not so hard, Jondalar," (4) says Tandaran. "'I'll teach you."

*polite veil is drawn at this point*

There y'are, Eshva, how do you like my first attempt at slash? ;)
Eshva's comments:

(1) ROFL. Except that there's apparently no good evolutionary reason for
> the human penis to be so big. Gorillas manage to copulate quite
> effectively with a much smaller one.

Me: Okay, Jockular with non-darwinian phallus, then.

(2) > ROFL again.

Me: I swear, I'm *convinced* Ayla's going to invent the tampon. I can just *see* it happening. One day Ayla's run out of straps so she rolls up a bit of wool and tries to dry up the blood. When it slips inside she decides to leave it there. Wow! Now Ayla can go swimming during her moon time. And this is the invention that finally causes the Zelandonii women to accept her as one of their own. We don't need Jean Auel. We can write it ourselves.

(3) > Tell us about it :)

Me:I put that part in *just* for you.

(4) > Wanna bet?

Me: Oh! I let a reference get by me! ARG!

And so the story resumed:

> Loved it! Except for the polite veil

Eshva draws aside the veil..

Jockular's hard, straining cock crowed as it pushed against Tandaran's.
Tandaran was almot salivating in his eagerness to feel it inside him. He produced his mammoth oil lubricant. Jockular shuddered as Tandaran's cold hand ran up and down his (insert preferred term here).
Suddenly Tandaran produced some leather and before Jockular could exclaim, he had it round Jockular's wrists and under a tree root on the ground. Soon Jockular was lying on his back in the summer grass. He tried to break the leather straps. "What have you done?" he groaned. "How am I supposed to Pleasure you now?"
"You're not," replied Tandaran, "I'm going to tease you until you can't breathe and you're going to enjoy it ever so much."
He kissed Jockular's lips and then continued down. When he was a few inches above Jockular's insemination-prepared phallus he stopped and backed off.
"Arrrg!" cried Jockular "Keep going! Keep going!"
Tandaran ran a finger up the underside of Jockular's tower of manhood. And then he stood out of reach. Jockular's mighty muscles bunched and he snapped the cords. Tandaran ran. And Jockular, the Man of Pleasures, gave chase. They ran out of the forest and into a long-grassed field. There, Tandaran accidentally tripped over a bit of air that was in the way. And Jockular was upon him, entering him. Wow! Even hotter and tighter that Ayla!
He mated Tandaran the way the rutting mammoths did. When they both collapsed, sated in the golden grass, Jockular turned to Tandaran. "Wow, I never thought being tied up and chasing could be so much fun. I wonder what it'd be like if someone was watching."
Tandaran raised his head. There were hoofbeats approaching.
Uh oh.
"Jondalar!" cried Ayla, "guess what I just discovered....." She stopped.
"Ayla, my dear, it can't be better than what *I've* discovered." replied her Man of Pleasures.
Tandaran reached up to kiss him.
Ayla didn't stay to watch for very long.

The end.

Eshva's part:

Okay, if we're writing the next book for Jean Auel, here's my contribution. Alas, it isn't slash, but I've always wanted to write the Ayla/Jockular break-up.

We arrive on the scene in mid-argument ...

Ayla: "and another thing that annoys me. Why do have to refer to that over-sized appendage as your 'manhood'? Would you suddenly change sex if someone cut it off?"

Jockular turns a funny colour and winces. "That's not funny."

Ayla laughs. "Hey, I think I just invented castration anxiety. And millennia before Freud!"

Jockular (grumpy): "You're just suffering from penis envy."

Ayla (scornful): "Envious?! Of that over-sized dangly bit you use instead of a brain. I think not!"

Jockular: "Don't knock it, woman. You won't find anything bigger this side of the Great Ocean. You need me."

Ayla: "Actually, no, I don't." She brandishes a very large object. "I just invented the dildo."

Jockular looks stunned: "I thought that was a club for braining mammoths!"

Ayla grins: "Well, I can use it for that too. And it comes in handy as a tent pole as well. It's a multi-purpose tool. A Swiss army dildo in fact."

Jockular: "You can't call it a Swiss army dildo. There's no such thing as the Swiss army yet!"

Ayla: "Yes there is. I invented it last Tuesday."

Jockular: "Don't joke, woman. I can't live without you."

Ayla: "Please stop calling me 'woman', or I'll brain you with this dildo. Look, there's Tandaran over there. He's a nice boy. Why don't you just go away and invent slash."

The End :)

The Review:

The Sydney Morning Herald

CAVEMEN ON NAKED SEX ROMP

After ten years of waiting for author Jean M Auel to publish book 5 of her Earth's Children series, set in the time before the end of the last ice age, two young Sydney women have had enough. The pair, who prefer to be identified simply as Merryn and Eshva have joined forces to continue the story of Ayla, a cro-magnon woman raised by neanderthals, and her partner Jondalar. At the end of The Plains of Passage Ayla and Jondalar arrived back at Jondalar's home in prehistoric France. The novel, at 1000 pages exceeding even the length of Plains, tells the story of how Ayla struggles to be accepted by the Zelandonii tribe as Jondalar, after years of Pleasuring women, begins to wonder if he is gay. As the tension over Jondalar's Manhood grows, Ayla escapes to paint the Lascaux caves. She also gives birth to a baby daughter whom she names Iza after her neanderthal mother, and invents the tampon, * precipitating her acceptance by the other Zelandonii women. She also chooses to become a donii woman to pass on the knowledge Jondalar has given her and studies under Zelandoni, Jondalar's donii woman. Meanwhile, things are not all wonderful between Jondalar and his boyfriend Tandaran. With a sex scene every twenty pages, many clever inventions by Ayla and references to well-known stone age artefacts, it's nearly indistinguishable from the real thing. Except for the reduction of references to Jondalar's "manhood".
It's a gift from heaven for Jean Auel fans nearly exhausted with waiting.
So nip down to your local bookstore and buy "Earth's Children 5: The Man of Pleasures." You won't be disappointed.

Tim
literary critic.

*and the dildo, which is equally well-received.